Imposter syndrome is a bitch. I’ve been sitting on this blog for over a month, half the time convinced I “have what it takes” and the other half of the time certain that I’m just wasting my time and money.
It’s so difficult, and so exhausting, having to fight my brain all the time to try and get shit done. And I really do mean all the time. I want to write into this blog. I want to share my thoughts, I want to dive into the deep shadow work my soul needs me to do. And I have to fight tooth and claw with my brain to even take two steps. This is so frustrating.
Neil Gaiman tells a great story about imposter syndrome when he met Neil Armstrong. I think about it a lot. Even the greats among us feel it. And I am definitely not up there with the greats. So, of course it makes sense. I just… there is so much. So much is changing, so much is stagnant. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I am going. There is so much I want to do, but I can’t even compile a list to start crossing off.
There is a future that I can see sometimes… it’s not all the time that I can see it, and sometimes it wavers between two futures. But, my entire life, I’ve never been able to visualize a future. Answering the question, “where do you see yourself in five years?” was always an absolute nightmare of a task. Because I never could. I could never see myself anywhere in the future. I can sometimes now see two possible futures, and they both have their merits. They also both require me to get off my ass and get shit done.
I am so tired. I thought I would get more rest with my spouse here, but it feels like the exact opposite. Thank the gods for my sister and my mother, otherwise I would probably be dead from exhaustion (this is not an exaggeration, unfortunately, I’ve had doctors express concern that I would die from lack of rest).
I guess maybe I just have to take a deep breath, and grin, and bear it. Just do it. Isn’t that the Nike slogan? I’m too tired to remember.
Well, here’s hoping that I can…Just do it.